i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
