Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We left an ass print on the piano.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
