before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
