I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
