i wish my penis had a tongue
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
