That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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