Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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