Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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