He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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