Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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