he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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