I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
