More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
