how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
