I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
