Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
