I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
