well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
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