hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
