apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
