You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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