look no pants
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
