she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
