My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
