areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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