We got so high we made milksteak
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
