i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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