you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
