I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
