i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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