God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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