The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
