I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
