hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
