I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
