I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
