so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
