I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize