if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
