Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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