I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
