what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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