if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
