I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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