He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
