News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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