just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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