The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
