You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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