let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
