So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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