My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
