i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
