She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
