why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
