things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dear god my vagina.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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