this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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