I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
