his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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