You're my little dorito
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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