Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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