i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
