I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
