i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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