dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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